How Being Gentle Helps Me Avoid a Meaningless Life

Aesop's fable of the North Wind and the Sun

In life I’ve noticed that I feel most happy and valuable when I can influence change: 

• when I can change a bad habit in myself 

• when I can help someone younger than me change themselves 

• when I can make a project run more efficiently by changing the systems it runs on

But it’s hard to create this change when you approach situations with force. 

Forcing things feels like running on a treadmill. You run with great force, but you’re still in the same spot.

When I try to whip things into place, they don’t budge: 

• nothing changes when I beat myself up, I just feel worse

• people resist my advice when I insist they take it

• I’m ignored when I impose my ideas on others

It’s frustrating because you know you can add value. You know what needs to be done. But the harder you try, the less difference it makes. 

It’s like you want things to change so badly that they won’t.

This is a critical problem. What are you doing if you can’t influence positive change for yourself and others? You’re not meaningful. You can’t help the children create a better life, you can’t positively influence the systems and processes in your career. 

You can’t change anything.  

Making things better, and helping others, is one of the keys to a fulfilling life. 

But no matter how valuable your ideas are, you’ll never be able to communicate them by demanding anyone listen to you.

And even if your intentions are pure, you’ll never be able to make internal changes by whipping yourself into line. 

Maybe force isn’t the only way to inspire change. Maybe a softer approach is what we need to focus on. 

The North Wind and the Sun

An Aesop fable — 6th century BCE. 

Illustrated by Milo Winter in a 1919 Aesop anthology

The North Wind and the Sun had a quarrel about which of them was the stronger. While they were disputing with much heat and bluster, a Traveler passed along the road wrapped in a cloak.

“Let us agree,” said the Sun, “that he is the stronger who can strip that Traveler of his cloak.”

“Very well,” growled the North Wind, and at once sent a cold, howling blast against the Traveler. With the first gust of wind, the ends of the cloak whipped about the Traveler’s body. But he immediately wrapped it closely around him, and the harder the Wind blew, the tighter he held it to him. The North Wind tore angrily at the cloak, but all his efforts were in vain.

Then the Sun began to shine. At first, his beams were gentle, and in the pleasant warmth after the bitter cold of the North Wind, the Traveler unfastened his cloak and let it hang loosely from his shoulders. The Sun’s rays grew warmer and warmer. The man took off his cap and mopped his brow. At last, he became so heated that he pulled off his cloak, and, to escape the blazing sunshine, threw himself down in the welcome shade of a tree by the roadside.

The lesson

A gentle guide is more impactful than brute force

It’s only when we stop struggling and insisting, that things begin to change. 

When I started gently guiding myself, and gently suggesting things to others, I finally saw real buy-in.

Look at the difference:

• Forceful: “Do this, it’ll help you.”
  Gentle: “This really helped me, maybe it’ll work for you?”

• Forceful: “We need to do it this way.” 
  Gentle: “If we did it this way, here are the benefits. What do you think?” 

• Forceful: Yelling at a child when they make a mistake
  Gentle: Telling them a story and letting them figure the lesson out

• Forceful: Beating yourself up when you fail
  Gentle: Reassuring yourself it’s alright and change will come with persistence 

I know which one I’d prefer to hear.

---

So my advice to my younger self would be this: 

Try to be a little more like the warmth from the gentle sun, and less like the aggressive wind, and chances are you’ll become more persuasive, impactful and valuable— all while expending less stress and energy. You’ll be able to effortlessly contribute to positive change.

Sound like a good deal? 

Sincerely,

eren

image of author captured by aceslog 

---

Like this new format? I think I’ll stick with it. I’m taking the advice of this fable and letting you all read the stories and lessons I’ve extracted, rather than me lecturing you in a step-by-step format. Agree?

Follow me on Substack, Instagram and LinkedIn for short bursts of motivation and peace, and to follow along on my journey of creating the world’s best in-person mindset workshop.