how to tune out self-conscious thoughts

Finding confidence by understanding the true nature of insecurities

the man who lost his chance

An original story by Eren Candansayar

There was once a man who lived in a quiet beach town. 

In the town lived a woman. She was beautiful, confident, calm and always worse these cool, blacked-out sunglasses. 

They had talked before, at the local bar, and they got along well. There was certainly a spark between them. 

But the man was so self-conscious of his looks that he convinced himself it’d never work. 

I’m far too ugly for such a beautiful woman — he thought to himself.

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A while passed, and the man went to his local bar as he always did.

As he sipped his beer, he asked the bartender: “What ever happened to that girl with the sunglasses — I haven’t seen her around?” 

“Oh, the blind woman? She left town a while back.”

Out of sight, out of mind (and confidence up)

Our self-conscious thoughts block our success all the time. 

But they are only relevant to us. 

The blind woman obviously couldn’t care less about the man’s looks —yet he let his irrelevant self-conscious thoughts stop him. 

It reminds me of the time I was self-conscious of my bike’s squeaky brakes. The whole journey to work I was hesitant to hit the brakes because of the awful noise. 

But on the way back I put some headphones in and completely forgot about the squeak — I simply enjoyed a nice bike ride. 

But when I got home I remembered. 

Huh…

I thought to myself,

I guess it doesn’t really exist…

And that’s when I realised, our own awareness is the foundation of our self-conscious thoughts

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Before you realise you have spinach in your teeth, you smile and laugh without worry. But as soon as you find out, you feel embarrassed — even though the spinach was there all along. 

Bringing it to your attention is the difference. 

This is an important thing to understand in life. When it clicks, it’s like realising you have the key to the cell you’re locked in. 

Because the things we are self-conscious of don’t exist without the awareness/perception of them. 

3 major realisations spring to mind: 

1. You are making yourself upset by being hyper-aware and having a negative view of yourself

2. You have to be a relevant part of the judger’s life for your “flaws” to even register with them

3. The person who you believe is judging you must have the same negative perception of your “flaw” for them to see it as a negative — they have to agree it’s a “flaw”

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Think of it from the other perspective: 

Would it be such an embarrassment that they had spinach stuck in their teeth, or if they had squeaky brakes? 

And even if you did judge them — how long would you judge them for? 

So what is this obsession with others judging us? Why do we feel so uncomfortable in front of others? 

Where do we get the idea that others:

1. Notice our insecurities

2. Agree that they’re even a flaw to begin with

3. Care enough to even notice for more than a few seconds

I’m not suggesting people will not judge you. 

There’s no doubt they will. 

But the point is to understand that what you’re being judged for is completely make-believe. We feel judged or insecure about our perceived “flaws” because we’re hyper-focused on them, not because they’re actually a big deal. 

How to “tune out” self-conscious thoughts

It’s easier said than done to just stop being self-conscious, I know. 

But now that we know that self-conscious thoughts are purely based on awareness — there are a few things we can do to tune them out. 

1. Switch the negatives to positives
   Instead of hyper-focusing on what might be wrong, focus on the positive aspects of what you’re doing (e.g. “I’m biking, enjoying the ride, and getting exercise.”) 

2. Challenge your negative assumptions
   Remind yourself two things: 
   1. They probably don’t even notice my insecurities
   2. They may not agree that my insecurities are even a bad thing

3. Physical Reminders/rituals: 
   Come up with something you do to snap yourself out of it — it could be touching your wrist, or spinning your ring. Anything that prompts you to think: “People probably aren’t noticing this the way I think they are.”

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Confidence isn’t about perfection but about perspective

Confidence isn’t about fixing every little thing but about changing the perspective. 

Just like the squeaky brakes or the man’s “bad looks”, some imperfections may exist, but they don’t have to define or limit us. Others usually don’t see what we see as imperfections anyway. 

Confidence comes from focusing on what truly matters, not on every tiny flaw.

Next time you feel self-conscious about something — remember the man who lost his chance or remember the music that drowned out my squeaky brakes. 

Our self-conscious thoughts are based on perception — not reality. 

And hopefully that helps you to have a little more confidence in yourself, and not to live under the made-up pressure you put on yourself. 

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Sincerely,

eren

Follow me on Substack, Instagram and LinkedIn for short bursts of motivation and peace, and to follow along on my journey of creating the world’s best in-person mindset workshop.

image of author captured by aceslog