The Secret to Improving Your Life
The Secret to Improving Your Life
The mindset that successful and peaceful people took from stoic philosophers
You Make No Progress Because You Blame Others
Assigning responsibility to the culprit is natural and makes sense. And it feels good in the short term because it offloads responsibility.
They did it, so they should be blamed— right?
But offloading blame is exactly what holds many people back, and keeps themfrom achieving our potential.
Blaming others (for what they deserve) seems innocent, but it slowly and quietly drags people down into sinister and negative frames of mind, resulting in a stagnant life.
And the really evil part is: you won’t even notice you’ve been doing it.
You blame others a lot more than you think (and it’s halting your progress)
Blaming others isn’t an evil habit reserved for evil people.
When someone cuts you off in traffic, you blame them.
When someone at work does a bad job, you blame them.
When your company denies your promotion, you blame them.
These are all natural. But they don’t serve us.
Instead, the greatest thinkers and leaders have mastered the philosophy of inheriting blame. So, instead of protecting themselves by blaming others — they blame themselves:
Everything is my responsibility — even things that are not.
Since adopting this worldview, people respect me more and I’m adding way more value to the world than ever. Life feels less negative and more productive. Plus, I feel happier and more in control.
Because when you believe everything is your fault, you don’t have to rely on things going right, or people doing good by you.
When you believe everything is your fault, you have control of your life.
Exiting the Blame Game: The little-known secret to self-improvement
“The moment you accept responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you gain the power to change anything in your life.” — Hal Elrod
This doesn’t make sense. If you didn’t do anything wrong, why accept responsibility? Wouldn’t that lead to self-deprecation before positive change?
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Imagine you’re in the driver’s seat.
You’re going the 60km/h — the speed limit. You’re a good driver, so you keep a safety gap to the car in front.
But there’s a car behind, right on your tail and you feel pressured to speed up — so you do.
But then the car in front of you slams the brakes and you crash into them.
Who’s to blame?
It could be the driver behind you for tailgating you, and making you uncomfortable or,
It could be the driver in front for slamming the brakes.
But what does blaming either of them do for you?
If you’re in the same situation tomorrow, you’ll probaby have another crash because you learned nothing. You did nothing to change. You blamed them, and essentially put your life in their hands.
You’ve lost control over the situation and you’re at the mercy of others…
Accepting responsibility, on the other hand — softly blaming yourself — will benefit you in several ways.
It was your fault for allowing the driver behind you to pressure you into being too close to the car in front.
Now you have power
Now you have control
Now you have something you can do to protect yourself in the future
Now you have lessons learned and wisdom to take into tomorrow.
This is self-improvement.
If you go through life blaming others, you’ll get nowhere — even if it was their fault. Because by blaming them, you’re ignoring the lesson you could’ve learned.
You’re repeatedly walking into the same trap — over and over — but expecting a different result. This is how you create an unhappy life where it feels like the world’s against you.
Instead, accept responsibility for everything that goes wrong — allowing you to become incredibly productive and peaceful. It opens your eyes to what you could’ve done differently.
Life becomes a game where you’re always levelling up and always gaining experience.
Cultivating the Mindset for The Good Life
(3 steps to regain control)
“If you are willing to take total responsibility for your life, you will see that you are the architect of your own destiny.” — Sadhguru
Let’s use an example scenario of the problem, and use 3 steps to solve it.
I delegated a task to someone at work. They completely missed the point and took way too long to do it → it’s their fault.
1. Become aware of when you offload blame
Keep your eyes peeled for when you blame others.
Now that you’re looking for it, you’ll notice you do it a lot. That’s normal so don’t beat yourself up about it — this is about improving.
→ I’ve blamed him for doing a bad job and taking far too long to do it.
2. (Softly) Blame yourself
Once you’ve clocked that you’re offloading blame, accept responsibility for what went wrong.
I say “softly” blame yourself, because:
you’re not saying:
The whole thing was my fault and I hate myself for being so bad.you’re saying:
There was something I could’ve done differently to avoid this outcome.
→ I never gave him solid instructions, I didn’t check in with him at halfway to see how he was going and I never gave him an estimate of how many hours it’d take.
At the end of the day, you can’t completely control the situation, and you shouldn’t have to step in and micromanage someone (like in this example), but softly blaming yourself lets you focus on what you could’ve done differently.
3. Implement the change
Now that you’ve accepted your part, and decided what you could’ve done differently — implement it next time.
Don’t let the driver behind pressure you
Don’t give poor guidance and then blame the graduate for doing a bad job
Take your lessons learned from the things YOU could’ve done differently and add them to your arsenal of weapons.
The Good Life Waits for Those Who Are Willing to Take Responsibility
“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Blaming others keeps you confined.” — Rumi
If you blame others for things that happen (even if it is technically their fault) you lose power over the situation. You don’t do anything differently next time — leading to no progress, and no changed approach.
Blaming yourself (even if it’s not your fault) will give you power over every situation, and lead to constant improvement. It’ll also make your peers respect you because you don’t blame others. You don’t focus on what went wrong, you’re always looking for a way to improve.
Become aware of when you offload blame
(Softly) blame yourself
Implement the change
Think about how much you’ll grow as a person if you continually run this 3-step process.
It’s limitless.
But of course, remember that when you accept the responsibility you must be careful not to upset yourself.
The lens is: What can I do next time to make sure I give myself the best possible chance at success (or avoidance of pain).
Sincerely,
eren
What do you think? Do you have any examples of this? Do you disagree? Let me know in the comments — I read and reply to all of them.
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Blaming gives away your power. It has nothing to do with the other person. Never give away your power.
Very enlightened article. There is so much to learn from taking responsibility for our actions or our inactions. We can always do better. I find myself noticing when things don't go well, that I could have done something to make it better. Then I try to apply it to the next event. For example, I made a dinner date with a friend about a week in advance. I had it on my calendar and I assumed she had it on her calendar. She didn't show up. It turned out she thought she had called me and couldn't get through, and then texted me to confirm but did not get a response. I didn't receive any messages, so she assumed the dinner was off. We both missed out on a dinner and time spent together. I was sorry I didn't contact her to confirm. I didn't blame her and I didn't blame technology. Thank you for bringing this to our attention, Eren.