is criticism always an attack?
detaching who you are from what people say about you
“Each person is so identified with the thoughts that make up their opinion, that those thoughts harden into mental positions which are invested with a sense of self.
In other words: identity and thought merge. Once this has happened, when I defend my opinions, I feel and act as if I were defending my very self.”
—Eckhart Tolle
Conflict begins when you attach your arguments to who you are, and refuse to budge.
When you can’t disconnect your ego from what someone says about you (or an idea you hold close), every disagreement feels like an attack on who you are.
At scale, this concept is responsible for catastrophe.
Innocent people are slaughtered when religious extremists identify too closely with their beliefs. Relationships end when a small annoyance becomes horrible words. Companies fall apart because people take things too personally.
This is unecessary suffering that we all bring onto ourselves, and something we can think away.
your beliefs are not who you are
Ego is about who’s right. Truth is about what’s right.” — Mike Maples Jr.
In our lives we receive feedback frequently and our default response is to push back because we feel threatened.
Just this week I had a friend tell me he needed more from me and my first reaction was to counterattack. But then I started to think about what he said more deeply, and he was right.
In these moments, we resist any criticism because we feel that criticism of our behaviours, or ideas, is a criticism of who we are as a person.
But this isn’t true.
A criticism of our ideas or behaviour is exactly that.
A criticism of the idea or behaviour.
Instead of an instant pushback, what if we listened to the criticism from a neutral and considered perspective?
Why does this bother me?
Is what they’re saying true?
Do I really believe in my position, and why?
Could this feedback be useful to me becoming a better person?
Even if the criticism is a bit unfair, there might be a gem buried in it.
And sometimes the criticism isn’t valid, and a healthy conversation can explore that further.
But what matters is to be wise and mature enough to disconnect your ideas, beliefs and behaviours from who you are so you can have more productive conversations, and become a better person.
Sincerely,
eren
what I’m listening to
