People-pleasing is a confidence problem

Eren Elsewhere

Jul 22, 2026

“We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” — Iyanla Vanzant

Rembrandt van Rijn (The Landscape with Good Samaritan, 1638)

People-pleasing is becoming something almost everyone can relate to.

It’s the idea that you do whatever it takes for other people, no matter what it costs you.

It’s saying yes even when it puts you out, and bending over backwards for people you don’t even like.

People-pleasing has become a term that people use to describe their personality, but it’s used uniquely.

It’s like a self-compliment disguised as an insult.

They feel like a good person because they’re sacrificing themselves to give everyone else what they want.

But this is the trap of the people-pleaser.

It’s not so bad on the surface. You feel like you’re a good person. Yet someone, life is full of stress and anxiety and not a lot of happiness.

Because when you look under the hood, you’ll see that people-pleasing is a self-centred trait disguised as a selfless one. It’s not a good thing at all.

People-pleasing habits have little to do with generosity or kindness, and everything to do with low self-esteem.

People-pleasers don’t really want to please others; they just want to be liked.

What people-pleasing really is (and why it doesn’t work)

“The more validation I need, the less discernment I have.” — Kurt Hanks

People-pleasers are generally smart, good people who are stuck in a loop they don’t understand.

As mentioned earlier, people-pleasing stems from two fundamental parts of the psyche.

1 - self-centredness

People pleasers believe that it’s their responsibility to make other people feel good.

That is, that without their intervention, those people can’t feel good. Everything would fall apart without them.

If you take a day off work, everything will crumble. If you don’t go to the party, the group won’t function. If you don’t call that person, they will be sad.

The harsh truth to all the people-pleasers out there to help free you: the world doesn’t need you as bad as you think it does. And even those who do, you can’t constantly intervene and fix everything. You will end up like a coach who must step on the court every time the team is down.

To heal, you need to learn that while you are a good, helpful person in the world, you’re not that important.

Your job is not that important. You are not that important. Zoom out a little bit and you’ll see this to be true.

If a person or a job requires you to be there all the time, you’re in an unhealthy relationship.

2 - low self-esteem

People-pleasers tend to have low self-esteem.

They “please” because they need to prove to people why they should be liked, since they don’t think they deserve it just by being themselves.

They surround themselves with losers because that’s who they think they deserve to be around, and then they start sacrificing themselves for those people because bad people are demanding and toxic.

They need validation. They need to be told that their decisions are good, or that they haven’t done anything wrong.

And this just puts their fate in the hands of everyone but themselves.

Now, if you’re a people-pleaser, ask yourself:

Is people-pleasing working for you?

Is sacrificing yourself actually creating healthy relationships? Is sacrificing yourself actually making your life better? Is being anxious and sad until someone tells you it’s ok actually doing any good for your life?

Or are you creating a worse version of yourself?

And the next question is, who are you sacrificing yourself for?

People-pleasers are sacrificing their life for people they don’t like

“I used to be a major people pleaser, but that way purgatory lies.” — Tracie Bennett

The people-pleaser sacrifices themselves for validation.

If you’re a people-pleaser, this is why you seem to seek out the worst people to help.

All the good people have already shown you they like you, because you’re both good people. The nasty ones are the ones who need convincing, and unfortunately, you can’t stop until everyone is convinced that you’re good.

So that means you spend a lifetime ignoring the good people who genuinely like you because you’re so focused on the group who doesn’t. You end up living a life serving people who give you nothing in return. People you don’t even like. You end up in circles of rotten people and being a slave to disturbed people who need help.

But why should it be you?

Why should you sacrifice your life for people who don’t deserve it?

Why do you need the validation of people who you don’t even respect?

Anyone who is worth keeping around will like you for your authentic self, so it’s up to you to display yourself genuinely and be confident in who you are.

The only thing to be self-conscious about is being self-conscious…

In my experience, the good people in my life just like me for who I am. In fact, my people-pleasing tendencies seem to annoy them.

Creating a better life

If you want to start changing your life, I would recommend the following. These are what have helped me so far:

Stop calling yourself a people-pleaser
Quit it with the fake insults. Start calling the problem what it is: low self-esteem and self-centeredness. This is the first step to healing those tendencies. When you admit it, you’ll begin to understand yourself.
Be your own measure of good
Ask yourself why you need validation to consider yourself good enough? Can’t you be the judge of that? Why place that in someone else’s’ hand? Someone who is deeply sure of themselves does not need to prove to anyone through acts of service that they are a good person.
Dig into the reason that you feel you need to be liked.
It’s crucial that you understand why you’re doing this in the first place. Do you not like yourself? Were you the mediator between to arguing parents? Talk to someone close to you, or talk to yourself in a journal. If you can understand this, you can heal.
Review your circle and cut out the losers from your life
Why are the people who like you for who you are not enough for you? Why do you need to convert others? Do you even want those people around? Are you accepting the invitation just so you get invited to the next thing? Do you even want to go?
Find the best people in your life and give them most of your attention. Cut out the rest.

I hope these give you a starting point.

Over the last 10 years, I’ve seen that I was creating most of my own suffering, and being ok with being disliked by randoms has made me loved by those I love the most.

Sincerely,

eren

(thanks for your patience, I was without internet the last few days)