the real path to confidence (and a better life)
self-confidence starts as a choice
You have an opinion of yourself.
And if you think you don’t, you have one that you didn’t consciously create.
Now, if that opinion is positive and healthy, you can click away.
But if you’re like me, that opinion can be negative or even disgust from time to time. It can make you not want to look in the mirror, it can make you look at the ground when talking to people and even avoid socialising in entirely.
That low self-confidence made me feel like I couldn’t enjoy my day-to-day life because I was so busy worrying that others were thinking I was annoying, unattractive or a nuisance. I couldn’t look in mirrors. I was intimidated a lot. I second guessed every decision and missed opportunities.
I thought everyone around me was better than me. I thought others were always right, and I was always wrong.
And when you have this negative opinion of yourself, you can’t get motivated. You can’t work out to fix your body, you don’t believe it’s possible. You can’t simply walk out and socialise, you don’t believe it’s possible.
It makes you feel powerless.
Especially when you see someone who looks no better than you, and has the same skills as you, but somehow achieves more.
The average dude that gets the girl. The standard employee that gets promoted. The basketball player who’s not as good as you but somehow plays better.
It’s not necessarily the looks, the performance or the actual skill that leads to success.
It’s the confidence.
It’s not always the validation or opinion from others that makes you look successful.
It’s your opinion of yourself.
The Beggar and the King’s Ring
There was once a poor beggar who lived on the outskirts of a grand city. He begged every day, feeling worthless and invisible, and believed he’d never amount to anything.
One day, a wise traveller passed by and noticed the beggar’s despair. The traveller handed him an ornate ring, saying, “This ring once belonged to a king. Take it, and carry yourself as if you are royalty. But promise me one thing — never sell it.”
The beggar, curious but doubtful, placed the ring on his finger. Suddenly, he felt different. “If this ring belonged to a king, then maybe I am destined for greatness,” he thought. He stood taller, spoke with confidence, and began to act as if he were important.
People in the city started treating him differently. They listened when he spoke, offered him opportunities, and invited him to their gatherings. The beggar eventually became a successful merchant, known for his charm and influence. Years later, he ran into the traveller who had given him the ring.
“Thank you for changing my life with this ring,” the former beggar said.
The traveller smiled and replied, “That ring is just a trinket. It wasn’t the ring that changed your life — it was your belief in yourself. Once you saw yourself as someone of value, the world did too.”
Self-confidence is a decision
My favourite show at the moment is ‘Freaks and Geeks’, a show from 1999 about a high school.
One of the kids at the school, Sam Weir, is trying to look cool so he can land a date with Cindy Sanders.
He buys a “Parisian nightsuit” that the guy at the store told him would help, but when he gets to school — it doesn’t quite work out the way he planned.
Mr Rosso, the guidance counsellor, takes him aside and explains to Sam the power of self-worth.
“If you think you’re the coolest guy in the world, then you are the coolest guy in the world.”
What Mr Rosso said really resonated with me. In my experience, self-worth really was the difference maker, and I wanted to take it to the next level.
I decided I was now the coolest guy in the world — in my opinion.
Surprisingly, my self-confidence really did increase.
And when your confidence increases, life becomes easier, more enjoyable and more productive.
When you have confidence, opportunity magnetically seeks you. You have more clarity in your choices. You have more positive relationships and more emotional resilience. You have more motivation, more belief in your potential. You have a quieter mind, and more peace in existing authentically.
When you start to feel confident, it’s like you turn down the difficult you’re playing life on.
You start to see how nice it is to walk around and not feel the burden of negative thoughts — or have the ability to brush them off when they arise.
This whole process made me realise that cool people don’t meet any kind of standard or dress a certain way. They just do what they like with confidence.
It’s weird — we all try to be cool by emulating a cool person. Meanwhile, the cool person is just being themselves.
It turns out that “coolness”, or confidence, is not what we do, or how we look, but how closely we align with our personal truth.
The coolest people in history were all revolutionary, they didn’t fit in — because they were just being authentic.
And this makes perfect sense, because they’ve carefully crafted a personality, a style and a way of life based on exactly what they think is cool.
You can only be uncool if you decide not to trust your own definition of cool. If you get the shirt that others like, not the one you like, you’ll be in a state of resistance. You simply won’t feel cool.
And if you don’t feel cool, you’re not cool!
Because being cool is a feeling, not a standard you meet.
The roadmap to confidence
With all that being said, what you want to do to increase your confidence is this:
1. Find what it is that YOU find to be “cool”
To be cool, and therefore confident, you have to define what cool is.
Forget what’s popular.
What are the clothes you like? What music sounds good to you? What kinds of personalities do you respect the most?
Whatever cool is to you — do that. Whether it be a kitten backpack, baggy clothes, skinny jeans — it doesn’t matter. Rock, pop, new-age, Detroit techno — it doesn’t matter.
As long as you think it’s cool.
Sit down and think about these things.
2. Believe that you’re the coolest person in the world
Now that you’ve figured out what you think is cool — do it — and do it with confidence.
Since you’ve chosen all the coolest clothes, music and personality traits (in your opinion) you should automatically become the coolest person in the world.
Because who else is cooler than you if you are the one deciding what you get to become?
You’re essentially a musician, and only you can create the perfect song based on your individual taste in music.
And then you have to keep your confidence up.
When, not if, you start to feel your confidence slip — ask yourself this question:
Would the coolest person in the world would feel self-conscious right now?
I found that the answer was always no — and I know you’ll find the same.
So, from now on, choose to be the coolest person in the world.
Because to you, you are.
Thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
eren
Follow me on Substack, Instagram and LinkedIn for short bursts of motivation and peace, and to follow along on my journey of creating the world’s best in-person mindset workshop.
